Romans 5:8

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

SO IT BEGINS…

I was blessed to grow up in a Christian family that prioritised Bible reading and church fellowship. As I grew into my adolescent years, I realised that for me church had slowly become a place to showcase my achievements with regard to success in studies, and a place where appearances had to be maintained– physically and reputation-wise.

OFF ON MY OWN IN SEARCH OF MY FRIEND JESUS

It was only when I moved away from my family to pursue higher studies that I started to realise that God was so much more than an angry and stern headmaster who was presiding over my life to check if I did the right things or not. I began to slowly understand that his son Jesus was my friend, someone to whom I could tell anything. This realisation however soon began to take another turn as I started seeking Christ only for my worldly needs- to pass exams, to be well-liked, to escape punishment for bunking college or for pursuing relationships that my family did not approve of.

REALISATIONS AND REVELATIONS OF THE SAVIOUR

As life continued thus, I started noticing a pattern in my life. I realised that I was trying hard to be a people pleaser, and wanted to be perceived as someone who would only do what was right and someone who was always there for everyone.

Soon all the pretence came crashing down, as the real me was revealed to many, especially my family. 

The guilt I carried in my heart soon became so heavy that one night I crashed on my bedroom floor and cried out, “Lord, what do I do with all this guilt?” Then, a soft whisper reminded me of Romans 5:8 (NLT): “When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners”. 

I felt a great burden lift off my shoulders and I broke down crying tears of relief. I finally understood what it meant to accept Christ as my personal saviour.

I soon made it my mission to surrender my life to Christ and obey him wholeheartedly.

GROWING IN THE LORD

I genuinely loved people but soon I realised that even as I was growing in the Lord, alongside was a growing desire to “fix people in love”. Little did I realise that by “fixing people” I was still trying to seek acceptance and go back to my law keeper ideals. 

My struggles with acceptance continued when I started working and even after I got married. I would often complain to my husband about work but in reality, it was just me struggling against my own perceived shortcomings about climbing the corporate ladder (despite my professional training and education).

NEW ADDITIONS AND NEW CHALLENGES

When I became a mother, I made the difficult choice to leave my job to care for my child. Initially, the thought brought me joy but as reality sunk in, I found myself once again seeking validation. I was fighting to prove to everyone that my decision was the right one while at the same time grumbling about my circumstances. I took it out on my poor son as I didn’t have any patience to deal with an infant though I knew no one else on earth could love him more than me. 

The Covid-induced house arrest phase almost brought our marriage crashing down as my husband and I laid all our insecurities, rejections, and unworthiness on the table.

HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING

I knew in my heart that God alone could get us out of the pit of despair we were in, out of the mud and the mire. The Holy Spirit led me to spend more time in prayer and personal Bible study. In a matter of time, out of nowhere many with whom I had lost touch contacted me to check on me. I found myself confiding in them, opening up about my struggles with marriage and motherhood, and requesting prayer.

Till today I cannot fathom the depths of God’s mercies in sending those beautiful souls my way- there are too many to name. I found myself becoming more and more aware of the temptation to seek acceptance. I began to love again. The priorities of my prayer life began to change. I began to pray for a job that would help me to grow in the Lord and have time for fellowship. A job was no more an achievement or a priority. I could slowly but surely see the chains of this world fall off of me.

Having said all this, as life throws up new adventures my way, I still struggle with maintaining control over certain aspects of my life. However, now I go to him whenever I feel unrest and oh what a joy it is, surrendering it all at his feet.

“Now I go to him whenever I feel unrest, and oh what a joy it is, surrendering it all at his feet.”