El Roi-The God Who Sees Me!
Psalms 119:71
It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.
The first time I had depression in 2012, I did not know what hit me. At the time, I had been under a lot of stress owing to multiple reasons. It had built up over the years due to personal struggles, family troubles, and the last straw was my sister’s broken marriage, which devastated us as a family and took a huge toll on me personally. It questioned my faith at every turn and plunged me into unfamiliar territory, where the old rules that I had lived by for so long no longer made any sense. As my sister’s situation kept going from bad to worse, somehow I trudged along wearily, until finally in 2012, my anxiety peaked to such levels that I could not sleep at all. For months every night, despite my utter exhaustion, sleep evaded me completely because my mind was constantly buzzing, replaying past events like a broken tape recorder. A million should-haves and what-ifs plagued my high-strung mind. The days were no better; I was stressed to the extent that the mere thought of doing the most basic tasks would send me spiraling into a panic attack. I was indecisive, weeping all the time, withdrawn, and lacking energy or enthusiasm for anything at all.
My rational mind tried to tell me that I was exhibiting signs of depression, but I dared not say that word aloud. How could I as a believer be depressed? I was advised by well-meaning friends to pray and trust God more and harder, to claim specific verses and sing praises to God. But during those days, I could hardly pray let alone read God's word. Yet, God’s great mercies and love never fails.
After a few months, the fog lifted. Praise God! Hallelujah! I still do not precisely know the how or why or when, but I felt distinctly lighter and joyful. That day I truly understood the meaning of the verse, ‘He is your praise’ from Deuteronomy 10:21 because I found that words could not do justice to articulate my bubbling joy and gratitude at being delivered from my months-long mental prison. I realized that the only worthy praise and thanksgiving I could offer God was the Word Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus, Lord God, you are my praise!
10 months later, I came upon the verse ‘It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes’ from Psalm 119:71. I looked back at my depression episode and realized that God had proved this word true. During those dark days, I had indeed learned many things. God had revealed the utter depravity of my soul and the true extent of my pride and selfishness. He had also revealed his great compassion and his unseen hands that have always been at work all through my life. I had come to understand that his blessings and grace alone were responsible for the so-called ‘successes’ or ‘achievements’ in my life. It wasn’t because I was diligent or competent or even deserving of them, but solely because he chose to bless the work of my hands. Ps 127:1 says ‘Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.’ Though it was a verse my parents had often quoted in our family prayers, its truth had been lost on me up until then. I could no longer take any pride in anything I had or did, because it was Jesus Christ all along!
The second time depression crept up on me, I was familiar with the signs. Therefore, I decided I was going to handle it differently this time. I was going to be active in my faith. And so, I diligently continued in my Bible reading and praying. I made sure I always had Christian music playing in the background, so that I was hearing and singing His praise. I fought hard to keep negative thoughts at bay and clung to God’s Word with all the faith I had. But still, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Then one day in utter desperation I looked up to heaven and cried out aloud to the Lord “Don’t you see Lord, how hard I’m trying to beat this?! I’m doing everything you’ve said, and yet I’m struggling and not getting any better. Are you even seeing? Don’t you care? Don’t you see?!”
Few hours later a dear friend of mine who knew my struggle called me specifically to share a portion of Scripture that she felt God was impressing upon her heart to tell me. It was Genesis 16:13, ‘She (Hagar) gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me.”’
The God of the universe had personally answered the very question I asked. I was so overwhelmed! What a reassurance it was! Those words comforted my aching heart. He was seeing and he cared. In the days of depression that followed I often turned to that truth for comfort, El Roi, the God who sees me!
And thus once again, after he delivered me from my depression, he enabled me to say in faith ‘It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.’