His Ways Are Not My Ways
Isaiah 55:8
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”, declares the Lord.
All my life, I have had to watch God take my deepest desires, and replace them with his desires for my life. And, he did this to teach me again and again, that his ways are not my ways and that his thoughts are not my thoughts. While it has taken me close to 3 decades to understand and accept this truth, today the verse from Isaiah 55:8 summarizes my life’s testament so well.
But, let me start at the beginning.
Like every other child, I too grew up desiring the love and presence of my parents. Instead, I was raised by an aunt, as my parents worked abroad. This left me feeling orphaned and unloved at a very early age, all of which after a while began to express itself in the form of anger, bitterness, and a lack of love towards those around me.
As I grew up, my outer life earned me a ‘good kid’ certificate within family and church circles because I was obedient and willing to do the right thing. But in my inner life, I found myself battling with profound feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and loneliness. Desperate for attention and love, I lived in great deception- a classic recipe for teenage blunders. During this time I tried everything, including other religions, to find peace and acceptance. Add to all this a 5 year long teenage romance, and all I was left with eventually, was a deep sense of brokenness!
On the academic front, I thought that consistently doing well would ensure me admissions in well-reputed colleges, and eventually pave the way for good job opportunities. Proven wrong once again, I was unable to pursue the course I wanted to, and ended up studying what I did not want to, and in a college that didn’t meet ‘my lofty standards’. And, at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I say this- I am still pursuing a career that I personally do not enjoy, although it is one coveted by many.
And, then it was time for the next chapter in my life, marriage! Did I want to marry and move out of India? Never! But lo and behold, I got married to someone whom I had nothing in common with, and moved to the very place I detested the most and blamed for depriving me of my parent’s presence during my growing years, the Middle East.
Why get married at all then, you ask? My most compelling reason for getting married was to have children! But in that too, I was put on the waiting list, and a 7 year long one this time.
Now, it may very well sound like my life was made up of a series of tragic events that I boldly overcame. On the contrary, my life was a series of events through which the gracious hand of God took hold of every idol in my life, and broke them! Through it all, he has lovingly and patiently molded me into the image of his Son, and still continues to do so.
Now, as I look back, I’m able to see and understand that, had I had a more normal upbringing with parents to love me and care for me; I may not have known God as my heavenly Father.
Had not all those other things I sought, failed to fill my inner void, I would’ve never desired or experienced the fullness of God, who is more than able to fill any void created by human inability. For he alone can truly satisfy (Jer 31:25 - I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint).
Had God given me all that I had set my heart upon, I would’ve been puffed up by my own strengths, rather than humbled by his love and providence in my life. I wouldn’t have known what it means to depend on God like a child.
Had I not dabbled with sin in my early years, I would’ve continued to be self-righteous with no compassion for others struggling with sin. I wouldn’t have understood or valued the saving grace that was lavished for sinners like me on the cross.
Had I not met my husband, I would not have known what it is to be loved unconditionally, and cherish the true joy that comes from God uniting two imperfect people in his perfect will.
Most importantly, had I not moved to the Middle East, I may perhaps have not had the chance to hear the gospel in its essence, or to respond to it.
Had I become a mother early on in my marriage, I wouldn’t have known what it means to wait on God, and hope in him alone to give me this desire of my heart. And, today after 7 years, to be able to look forward with joy and anticipation to holding our child in my arms in another 4 months, God willing!
Through our life’s experiences, God often teaches us to joyfully accept what he has so carefully set apart as our lot for our lives, no matter how painful or unconventional our lot may seem to us. He enables us to accept his will even when it feels like discipline, for we know that he disciplines only those whom he loves. He enables us to surrender our all, for he gave us his ALL in his pursuit to save us. And in his mercy, he enables us to wait upon him in helpless dependence, seeking only his portion of grace to sustain us through our trials each day.
This means that we must in full humility allow God to break us, until in all that he does, we are able to see only his unending and unmerited favor upon our lives. For unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it bears no fruit (John 12:24). And, his love is such that it compels us to still be faithful, available, and teachable, even when we don’t understand him or his ways!
Trusting God is to have an audacious hope not just for our God-given desires to be honored, but to see him truly be glorified in and through all parts of our lives. Trusting God is knowing that he is and continues to be our greatest treasure, regardless of what he gives or takes away.
So, ‘Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.’ (Hebrews 10:23)